I want to be doing my best. I want to be succeeding. I want to be kicking ass
but apathy.
I have nothing in me that pushes me forward and I have no one to tell it to.
Depression straight up sucks. It robs you of any joy, passion, and presence. It’s your empty shell that goes through the motions while everything else hides under a rock.
I feel exiled. The last time I saw Fred he was upset at me for not doing well in my apprenticeship, I had messed up croissants, and Ludo was tired of teaching me. Then, i get sent to Notre Dame to work with Manu and I never see anyone again. Is it really such a shock that I feel cut out? I’m not part of the team anymore and I can feel it. They’ve stopped believing in me and I’m being a total bitch about it. I want to jumpstart. I want to push through but I don’t have it in me right now. How am I supposed to explain that? I just want to tell someone how disconnected I feel. And how feeling so low and useless is only made worse when every day everyone reminds you of how terrible you’re doing and how much better you used to be.
In November the story was that once January came I’d have more time to spend with Fred and Ludo. Ask them questions. They’d be able to show me more stuff and take more time. Instead I’m working with Manu who spends every day recounting stories of all the mistakes I’ve made. I’ve been demoted back to doing the lunch and daily pastries, to making almond croissants and “assisting” Manu. I feel like they’re waiting for me to give up. I won’t. But my fingernails are hurting from all this holding on. I feel so alone. I go to work where they obviously are sick of me and do a shit job and come home to an empty apartment and stare at a wall while I convince myself I’m doing work until I go to bed and get a terrible night’s sleep and get up in the morning and do it all over again. Who is there to tell? Everyone is so involved with their own lives. Manu Ludo and Fred all have their own things they’re stressing about. Anna is in another country and about to be engaged, Jona and Bethany have a 6 week old they’re taking care of. I can’t open up to Will about this or else I might start needing him and he’s going to leave in a few weeks.I want to give up. I cant. I won’t. But I want to.
I get dumped at Notre Dame with no explanation and find out I’ve been dropped by Ludo and Manu is my chef now. Messaged received. I’m on my own for the rest of my training and it’s up to me to answer my own questions. Its up to me to hope and pray and take this exam in March that I’ve got no guidance on and no warning for. I do love that they never seem to have time to sit down and talk but they have time for Yu and for seven billion other things.
But really. keep assuming i’m going out partying with my friends. keep assuming i don’t give a shit. keep assuming I’m staying out all night. keep assuming i live some secret life when I leave work. My life IS work. I do absolutely nothing else. I haven’t seen most of my friends since June.
Give me 20 minutes and i’ll explain how much i’ve invested emotionally in this workplace and how much it hurts to be cut out like that. I understand why i’ve been but it made things worse. I’ll explain how one by one all my support systems have been dissapearing and my coworkers doing the same have left me feeling completely nonexistent. I’ll explain how the first two days of my period are total hell and being anemic makes it incredibly difficult to keep up pace. That my mittleschmerz doesn’t help shit and on those first two days it takes everything I have not to burst into tears and double over. I’d explain I started taking birth control to try and make those first 2 days on days I had off so it wouldn’t affect my work. I’d explain how depressed it made me. How hard it is to find the energy I need for a day with this depression. I’d explain how much worse I’ve become after getting off the pill. I’d explain how exhausting it is to never catch a break.
Most of all, I’d explain how I understand all of this means shit all to you because at the end of the day, the job isn’t done. It doesn’t matter the 7 thousand things that are missing, that explain why I am the way I am. The point is, I’m not living up to your standards and that is what’s most important.
I need to suck it up. I need to realize it’s me and only me. I let them in. made them my family and got WAY too comfortable. It’s time to reevaluate. It’s time to depend on Me. They don’t own my life, I do. I’m responsible for it, and I’m the one who takes care of it. They aren’t a pillar, they’re a decorative ottoman. Figure your shit out Jess.
Ravens and Goldfish 