I’ve always been what some may call a “louder” personality. By that I mean when I find myself hilarious (and I usually am) I can be heard laughing for three square blocks. But I also mean that I tend to speak my mind and forage on with confidence (misguided or not). This is what I largely base my personality on. Which is why it was strange to realize that I’m not very confident. There are many things I am confident in, such as:
- The fact that nacho platter is a sacred and delicious thing that unites us all
- My decision to go brunette
- Gas is always going to be “too high”
- I am my mother’s daughter and my sister’s sister
- My God is in full control of the best plan I haven’t thought of yet
- my ability to throw smarties up in the air and catch them in my mouth
- That there will never be a time where I choose clubbing over reading a book in my pyjamas.
but it is strange to me that I am not fully confident in myself.
Maybe I should explain this a little better. This is an online public blog there’s no reason to be cryptic.
I feel very cautious at work. Bottom line, I’m an apprentice who’s learning for the first time in a business that doesn’t overcharge (so I mess up once, and it’s a huge blow to their margins), and has everything down to the wire. Everyone is working hard, is giving it all they have, and if I mess up that means someone else has to stay behind and clean it up. I hate that, I hate not being able to pull my weight, and I hate being afraid to push myself. All this has, as I realized today, resulted in a lack of confidence. I’ve been trying so hard to make sure I don’t get cocky, that I don’t overstep any boundaries without realizing, that I don’t lose my head, I ended up losing the confidence that probably contributed to me getting the apprenticeship in the first place.
Not to mention my struggle speaking french contributes to it all, as a lot of my confidence stems from witty retorts and sarcastic comments, both of which don’t seem to translate. Add that to the dynamic at work where I have such a deep respect for the people I’m learning from, but they’re family and I don’t know where I fit in and what would been seen as a disrespectful way for me to act.
Today, Ludo asked me to push myself , to “put myself in danger”, he asked me to risk messing up in order to learn to do two things at once. Then he made me repeat over and over again to him “I am a good pastry chef and I’m going to prove it to you”. I repeated it to him, to coworkers he brought into the prep area for me to tell them that, to the new guy starting his shift. To everyone. By the end of my shift, I still didn’t believe it, and neither did Ludo. I need to believe what I was saying. So I broke it down to figure out what about it I didn’t believe and I came to the realization that it’s the pastry chef part. I don’t see myself as a pastry chef, I say that all the time. I’m not a pastry chef yet, but I will be. I can add that to my list of things I’m confident in. I’d have no issue saying “I’m GOING to be a great pastry chef and I’m gonna prove it to you” but if that’s what Ludo wanted me to believe, that’s what he would have had me say.
So I guess I don’t have as much confidence in myself as I’d like to think I do. It’s strange because whatever confidence I lack, I find in Ludo and in Fred. I have confidence in their judgement and their thought process, in their teaching methods. So if they think I’m a pastry chef and that I can prove it, then I can. I will figure this out, and I will feel it.
Ravens and Goldfish 